FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHOW PT.1

Let's talk for a minute about band "promoters". I put that in quotations, because a hefty, massive chunk of them don't actually promote shit. When I think of promoters, I think of dudes who don't have any talent to be in a band, but desperately wish they did. I think of guys who just want to make money and don't really give a damn about the music or the bands that they book. I think of guys who don't have enough going for them to make them appealing to the opposite sex, so they book shows to get the girls that really want the guys in the band. More often than not, those band guys don't want those girls and so those little sluts fall back on the "next best thing" to the band, the promoter. You know, that classic case scenario: slut wants rock star, rock star doesn't want slut, so slut gets guy who just takes whatever he can get. When I think of promoters, I think of douche bags and dirt balls. I think of greedy sacks of shit and delusional idiots.

Let me say, before going any farther, that I don't think of every promoter that we've worked with in this way. Some of you are really great and do the job a promoter should do and take good care of us and all that jazz and I hope you don't think I'm talking bad about you. Also, I'm sorry that such a large percentage of promoters make you good promoters look bad. It's ok though, you good ones will come out on top. I promise. And the funny thing is, you promoters who are not greedy and actually do your job, will be the ones with the most cash in the end. It's funny how these things work.

Let's first take a look at the actual definition of the word "promoter".

pro·mot·er

   [pruh-moh-ter]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a person or thing that promotes, furthers, or encourages.

2.

a person who initiates or takes part in the organizing of acompany, development of a project, etc.

3.

a person who organizes and provides financial backing for a sporting event or entertainment.

let me break it down a little more

pro·mote

   [pruh-moht]  Show IPA

verb (used with object), pro·mot·ed, pro·mot·ing.

1.

to help or encourage to exist or flourish; further: to promoteworld peace.

2.

to advance in rank, dignity, position, etc. ( opposed todemote).

3.

Education . to put ahead to the next higher stage or grade of a course or series of classes.

4.

to aid in organizing (business undertakings).

5.

to encourage the sales, acceptance, etc., of (a product),especially through advertising or other publicity.

Lets take a closer look at these definitions. I am particularly fond of #3 under promoter, which states: a person who organizes and PROVIDES FINANCIAL BACKING for a sporting event or ENTERTAINMENT. 

very interesting

The problem here is, folks, that most promoters think of it as the other way around. They want the bands to provide the financial backing for the show, be it selling tickets (which is a pandora's box of ridiculousness that we will touch on later) or taking a cut from the door money. Okay, so you want to take a cut because you printed out some flyers and tickets? So, you went to Kinkos and printed out some shit for about 40 bucks? Did I tell you how much my amp cost? Well, it cost about $400. Do you know how much this Roland keyboard, that is oozing out beautiful melodies cost? I'll tell you, it cost me about $400 as well. I haven't even gotten started on the cost of the drum kit or the guitar amp or the guitar or the bass or the hours and hours of our time that we sacrificed to practice so that we will sound good and bring out fans to the club or make people stay at the club, because they like the quality of the sound (which will in turn make you more money). None of that shit is free. So, you, as a promoter, what are you sacrificing? Forty bucks at Kinkos and a couple of hours of your time calling venues and bands? 

It's not hard to get bands to play at a show. I mean, what the hell do you think we're doing this for? Of course we'll play. We want to play shows. That's what we're here for. Duh. It has to be worth our while though, whether it be pay (to pay for those expensive ass amps I was talking about) or to gain new fans. So, in other words, it's not that hard to find bands to play at a show. Make a couple calls, send a few emails and bam, you have a line-up. easy peasy. 

How do you get a night at a club? Call the club or email the club. Boom. About one hour of time, maximum, is what it takes to get a night at a venue. There are dozens that will give any person a night to book a line up of bands, all you have to do is contact them and it's super easy. I will give you a list of venues that are musician friendly and will let you book a show, but if any of you abuse this perk, I will come to your "show" and I will punch you right in your throat. hard. 

So, to recap, promoters spend little money and little time to book a show, yet they expect the TALENT(who spend so much money and time) to take a major cut of the profit. I call bullshit. 

A promoter, by definition is to, further or encourage, help to develop a project, help to advance in rank, dignity and position, encourage sales through advertising and help to financially back a project. 

I think I might know about 4 promoters who actually do this. The others are just trying to get a paycheck or some pussy. 

The next shitty and annoying thing promoters do, is try to make you sell tickets to the show they are booking. When a promoter asks me to sell tickets, you know how I respond? Like this: "FUCK YOU!" I'm not going to sell tickets for a local show. I'm just not going to do it. The only way I will even remotely consider selling tickets to a show is if it is worth my while, i.e. it is to help support another band (usually a large national act) and AT THE SAME TIME will almost guarantee to get my band more fans. That means, I'm not just going to help pay for a national act to come here unless I know they are awesome and will draw a really good crowd ON THEIR OWN. If I sell tickets, just to get a crowd to a venue, for some unknown group who can't draw a crowd here on their own, then essentially, my fans are paying to see a band they don't know, don't give two shits about and probably won't even like in the end. I'm just not going to do that to myself or more importantly to my fans who are shelling out that cash to see me. I will help bands that I like from different areas come out here and get on shows somewhere, but it will be on fair terms and not taking money away from any local acts that I book with them.

Also, I've noticed a trend here in Arizona. Promoters and venues alike seem to care for bands from California more than they do their own local bands. I've seen both shell out tons of money for bands from Cali while local bands take the cut. While I am a fan of MANY bands from California, I also feel that many of them are also very, very overrated. Seems to me like a lot of that scene is completely overrun with Sublime wannabes. And to take a line from one of my songs, "you ain't no Bradley Nowell. You betta quit." But, I digress, my point here is that there is a massive amount of talent HERE IN ARIZONA who have a lot of fans HERE and who aren't trying to just fit into a mold or certain genre. Also, those Arizona bands have fans who are HERE who are going to pay money HERE to see a show and who are going to buy drinks HERE at a LOCAL BAR while they are watching said Arizona band. Furthermore, they will go back to that same LOCAL BAR to see that same LOCAL BAND or another LOCAL BAND time and time again and spend more money LOCALLY.

BUY LOCALLY. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESS. BANDS ARE BUSINESSES TOO, DON'T FUCKING FORGET THAT. 

Just try to make a local band sell $10 tickets to a local venue that just happens to have a national act (who can't draw a crowd here and who noone gives a shit about) and not many people will come. Especially, when there is a venue down the street that fully supports their local community and only charges $5 a head and sometimes a free cover. You can't beat that better than a fully lubed dick. 

BUY LOCAL. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESS/ BAND. 

There's more to this ticket sales story. Let's factor in gas prices. Gas prices are at an ASTRONOMICAL level. We have here in Arizona, what you would call, suburban sprawl. That means that everything is spaced out so far from each other. It's not like Chicago or New York where everything is compact into a small space. Everything here is completely spread out, so it takes at least 20 minutes to get anywhere you wanna go. Put this in perspective when you are trying to deliver tickets. How much money does it take in gas to deliver these tickets to this show when we're only going to see maybe 80% of the profit. I'll tell you this, as far as all your fans are spread out, your profits are going to get eaten up by the money you spend on gas. Furthermore, your fans aren't going to want to drive around to buy over-priced tickets to a show and also waste more money on gas just to meet you for those tickets. Even furthermore, I have yet to see a promoter who will drive around to sell tickets to a show that they "promote". Remember, by definition, you motherfuckers are supposed to supposed to "encourage the sales", but it seems like all you are doing is printing out pieces of paper for other people to sweat over. fuck you. seriously, fuck you. If you want me to sell tickets to a show that you "promote", then you better fucking promote it yourself AND do some of the dirty work too or you can take all of those tickets and shove them straight up your ass. Seriously, straight up the ass, dry with no lube. 

I can't blame this epidemic solely on promoters. So, promoters, I'm gonna give you a minute to breathe and reconsider your business ethics. My next focus is going to deal with the issue of the venues. Yea, you motherfuckers thought you were safe. As far as live music venue standards go, most of you Arizona based motherfuckers are batting way below average. I'm calling you ALL out. Be afraid. Be very fucking afraid.